This is the second post of this threadster blog.
It's going to serve as an anchor for writing a work of fiction using its built-in comments feature to add paragraphs to the "book" one chunk at a time.
Copyright © 2008 This Thread Is My Book, Inc.
All Rights Reserved and Writes Reversed.
Logically Speaking
- $Zero
- Writer, Filmmaker, Artist, Slacker, Poet, Friend, Father, Uncle, Son, Brother, Cousin, Ex-boyfriend, Ex-husband, Ex-employee, Ex-boss, Extraordinarily Stubborn,
73 comments:
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
The easiest way to begin to create/write a story is to describe a day in the life of a person from the moment they wake up until about a week later.
Once you're done with that part, you'll have enough stories and character studies for ten novels.
Of course, it's only "easier" to create a story this way in the sense that it would be harder to do so using just a spoon and a rock to sketch out ideas in the dirt.
Anyway, I guess I'm the narrator of this particular story.
Well, let me start off by telling you what a difficult job it is to be the narrator of a story.
Not to metion how hard it is to double as the writer.
Especially when you're writing the story using a new technique which doesn't allow you to go back to your previous sentences and edit them to make them flow better.
Well, instead of rambling on and on about the logistics of creating a story using innovative methods, I suppose I'd better start making this story more interesting and witty or you'll just get bored and stop reading the stupid thing.
NOTE: That last comment was the writer speaking, not the narrator.
I'm not sure if that's allowed, but... just so you know, this current comment is also being written by the writer.
This all seems kinda witty, but it's probably much stupider than I give myself credit for.
Unfortunately, once I click the "publish your comment" button I won't be able to go back and edit it.
There I go again, whining about my nifty new innovative technique for writing a story.
Enough procrastinating!
Back to the novel:
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
It was a bright and cold winter morning.
Thankfully, that didn't matter too much because he was warm and dry beneath the covers, dreaming of summer.
Being a "self-employed" creative genius, there was no alarm clock waiting to go off to disturb his natural flow of life.
But that didn't stop the sunlight from relentlessly flickering on his face all the way past noon.
You'd think that a creative genius would be able to afford a decent set of curtains.
Or at least have the time and patience necessary to rig up some cardboard.
After all, the curtains had been in their current condition for over ten years.
But that's nothing. It once took him twenty years to write the first chapter of his first book entitled: A guy gets out of bed.
To be fair, it certainly could never be credibly said that he had any trouble laughing at himself.
But over the years it became more and more of a survival mechanism than an amusing wonder.
He was often told by many of his friends and family that his snoring actually rattled the walls.
With such a consensus spread out over many such people (some of whom had never met eachother), he had no reason to doubt that this report was true.
Still, he once set up a video camera to verify it firsthand.
That's the kind of stubborn skeptic he was.
As it turns out, that ended up being one of the only nights in his entire life that he didn't snore at all.
That's how things often went for him.
It was pretty much the story of his life.
...
...
...
To: The Novel Readers
From: The Writer
CC: The Narrator
BCC: The dude asleep in the bed
Subject: The Story So Far vs. Tweaker's Remorse
Due to the annoying dynamics of not being able to go back and fix some of the clusterfucked sentence constructions using this new creative genius novel-writing innovation of posting developments in blog comments, the next installment is being composed in Windows Notepad as a slight hedge against the writer's over-enthusiasm with his own wit.
Thank you for your virtual impatience.
Sincerely,
The Alleged Management
P.S. Have a nice day!
--------------------------------------
Watching The Snoreless Video -- Part I
--------------------------------------
It was sometime back in the early mid-eighties when he had stubbornly and skeptically decided to verify for himself firsthand that he had this amazingly loud snore that everyone else kept complaining and laughing about.
Back then video tape recorders were rare and had three speeds: SP, LP, and ELP.
That stood for Standard Play, Long Play, and Extra Long Play.
Using a typical blank VHS tape, you could record both video and audio for a whole two hours using SP mode.
Better yet, you could get four hours worth on LP mode, and six hours on ELP mode.
So he set up the VHS recorder on six-hour mode and put the video camera on the big tripod such that it overlooked his messy bed.
It took some doing, but everything was finally in place.
After clicking the record button, he excitedly jumped into bed and tried to drift off to sleep.
Contrary to what hard-working folks might think, going to sleep was not an easy task, what with the rather expensive 1,000 watt bulb blazing his way so mockingly.
(especially since he could hear his girlfriend giggling in the living room every couple minutes or so).
She had gleefully volunteered to put in a fresh new blank video tape -- since the first six hours would run out in, well, six hours.
Apparently, she found the whole Videotape-Your-Own-Snoring-Session quite amusing and couldn't hold back her laughs.
Either that or she was watching The Honeymooners.
Or maybe, he thought to himself ironically, it was those constant Crazy Eddy stereo equipment commercials.
"Our prices are INSANE!"
Whichever it was, it made falling asleep on camera all that more difficult.
Nine and a half hours later he awoke to find that his girlfriend had gone out drinking with her sister.
Or so the rushed note had mockingly claimed.
The key word here is mockingly.
Anyway, he placed the first of the two completed Snore-Session video tapes into the VCR.
It seemed to take forever to rewind the stupid thing.
After opening up a can of beans, he plopped down on the couch with his spoon and faced the blank screen.
In anticipation of some really great sound effects, he had turned the volume all the way up on the hi-fi stereo system that he had hooked up to the VCR.
Back in the early mid-eighties, not too many people had video recorders, let alone hi-fi VCRs connected to expensive sound systems.
He was always ahead of the curve.
He was always the first trailblazer (consumer sucker) spending numerous thousands of dollars on equipment that was obviously still in test mode.
But he always felt it was worth the waste of cash (plus all the trips to the repair shop) just to be able to experiment with the stuff of the future.
"Our prices are INSANE!"
So while the video was wired and ready to rock the house down, the rest of the place was in complete and utter silence.
All you could hear was the annoyingly audible hum of feedback you get when you have your stereo on too loud and no music is playing yet.
As the hours passed, he stared at the brightly lit, mostly motionless body on the screen.
It was almost like being in one of those sensory deprivation tanks.
Hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, almost patiently, he watched and waited for the big snoring moment.
As the time wasted away before his very eyes, he constantly thought to himself that there couldn't possibly be anything more excrutiatingly boring than spending your own precious valuable time watching yourself sleep and not even hear a single meek cough, let alone a symphonic snorefest.
But it was worse than that because the directional microphone which he had aimed toward his sleeping head on the bed had somehow picked up the menacingly muffled periodic jabs of his girlfriend's giggles.
If you didn't laugh, read that last paragraph again.
Repeat as necessary until you DO laugh.
If you read it more than five times and still don't laugh, redread the whole section entitled Watching The Snoreless Video -- Part I.
If after doing that a few times you STILL don't laugh, start again from the very begining of the story.
If after doing all of THAT a few times you STILL don't laugh, ask for a refund.
(or get yourself a better sense of humor).
Blaming the writer for not polishing it enough is strictly prohibited.
I didn't laugh, but I smiled real big. :-)
I'm sorry I missed your birthday this year. Happy Belated! I hope you had fun.
I didn't laugh,
Did you follow the Narrator's recommendations?
If so, how many times did you read the whole thing again from the opening sentence to the most recent punchline?
It really does get funnier with each new read, despite much needed tweaking.
Well, that's my story and and I'm sticking to it.
ba'dum, chsh!
I didn't laugh, but I smiled real big. :-)
Mockingly, no doubt.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday this year. Happy Belated!
Thanks!
"Happy Belated."
Heh.
You're keeping with the theme of one of the threads of this novel, huh?
Thanks.
I hope you had fun.
Well, I won at poker. But only after losing the first round, very early on in the game.
The moment I was defeated, everyone at the table immediately burst out singing Happy Birthday (laughing their heads off) as I was moving all of my chips over to the dude who had called All-In to my triple-blind raise of his opening double-blind raise.
Turns out he had a pair of pocket Kings which ending up beating my Ace-Three suited.
When I stupidly (and immediately) called his All-In (erroneously reading that, as usual, he was pissed that I had raised his raise before the flop and thinking that he had emotionally over-reacted with an All-In -- which he did at that point in the game -- there were a few other players who could have taken him up on his All-In, but my call dropped them all out).
He quickly stood up and nervously flipped down his Kings.
Upon seeing my Ace-Three suited, he resigningly declared: "Shit, you won."
He was absolutely convinced that I was gonna' catch an Ace.
Or a Flush.
Or a Straight.
The flop came out and he breathed his first sigh of relief. There were no Flush or Straight draws possible!
He wiped his forehead with a napkin, smearing only a little bit of the pizza sauce that was on it across his twitching brow.
Still feeling majorly threatened by the prospect of an Ace coming up on the turn, he polled the other players to see if anyone had folded an Ace.
No, No, No, No, No, and No.
"Shit!" he sighed.
Everyone joined in with calls for "King! King! King! King! King!"
Drumroll...
No Ace on the turn.
He then braced himself for the river.
Meanwhile, during all the drama, I was cracking jokes.
When the river finally came up in his favor he immediately began explaining about how well he had played the hand -- rambling off statistics and whatnot.
Everyone else at the table was quite glad that I was First-Out so early because I tend to make the betting quite lively and exciting.
Later, one of the players got a phonecall and had to leave. It was suggested that I take over her position at the table and play for her stake as I was the only one out of the game.
Given that everyone had anted up money for our weekly Texas Hold'em tourney, it seemed like the fair thing to do.
They weren't at all concerned that I might win because she was the short stack and only had a very few chips left.
They saw it as nothing more than a token favor to her to allow me to inevitably lose her few remaining chips.
I ended up taking everyone's stack, one player at a time.
When the cash prize was reluctantly handed over to me, they all made an emotional point of noting that it wasn't mine to keep.
A few hours after leaving, when she finally returned to the game, she was absolutely shocked and thrilled to learn that her pathetically short stack had come up from seventh place to win all the cash.
Mockingly, no doubt.
I didn't!
she was absolutely shocked and thrilled to learn that her pathetically short stack had come up from seventh place to win all the cash.
Did she split it with you? :-)
She offered but I declined.
...
I won again tonight.
And being that our Sunday night game is double the stakes of our Saturday night game, they were all practically climbing the walls with rage as I quietly counted up the winnings and gently folded the bills into my wallet.
:)
Way to go! :-)
Too bad you can't send some of that winning vibe Zen's way.
It's all so ironic because months ago when I began playing in these weekly tournaments my catch-phrase was:
"I NEVER lose...
It's a zen thing."
That was back when the other players still liked me because I was losing all of the time.
Back then, the one who now hates me most informed that he had adopted my catch-phrase and was saying it at work all the time to the point that it was aggravating his fellow co-workers.
To: The Novel Novel Readers
From: The Writer
CC: The Narrator
BCC: The dude snoring in the bed
Subject: The Story Ahead vs. Tweaker's Joy
Due to the annoying dynamics of life itself, the following installment will be dumped into the book without much editing.
Most of it has been sitting in my Windows Notepad file for the last couple weeks or whatever.
Except for a few minor tweaks tonight, I haven't touched it since I sketched it all out just minutes prior to posting the first part of the Snoreless Video.
I think I'm going to go back to writing on-the-fly since it's way more fun.
Actually, tweaking's extremely fun too, so I guess that's not it either.
I suppose it's just a matter of changing my mind.
I enjoy doing that.
Thank you for your virtual impatience.
Sincerely,
The Alleged Management
P.S. Have a nice day!
---------------------------------------
Watching The Snoreless Video -- Part II
---------------------------------------
After enduring six hours of his girlfriend's menacing muffled giggles... (and not even being treated to a single meek cough, let alone a symphonic snorefest)... shortly after putting in the second video came the telephone rings.
She picked up the phone but the voice was way too distorted on the videotape to make out what she was saying.
A few minutes later, he heard what sounded like a door shutting, and the menacing muffled giggles stopped.
...
As I was complaining about before, being the narrator is a difficult job.
But I didn't explain why.
1. You don't get paid.
2. You're on call 24/7/365
3. For the most part, you're usually just
a figment of the writer's imagination
(where's the self-esteem in that?).
4. After the writer finishes the book, you're history.
5. If the book is well-loved, the writer gets all
the credit for your lines.
...
So one of the more amusing things about him watching the Snoreless Video is that it was sooo utterly fucking boring that just about the time he fell asleep in the video, he fell asleep on the couch.
And yes, you guessed it.
He began snoring on the couch just a few minutes after the snoring began on the video.
But he was such a deep sleeper that the Symphonic Snorefest didn't wake him up.
But even more amusing is that the stereo was so loud that the walls actually did rattle.
...
So the writer and I have been having a little debate...
...
In the artworld (which allegedly includes the literature world), it has often been said that, before you can break the rules you need to know what they are.
Clearly this isn't true.
ba'dum, chsh!
...
This story is actually about my own life.
They say you should write what you know.
...
"Major" Mystery solved in the first chapter!
So I guess it's not a Mystery Novel.
...
For instance, the snoring thing? True.
Snoring that actually rattles the walls? No.
The snoreless video? True.
But...
In reality when I watched the actual video, about ten minutes in, I saw myself snoring up a storm.
Snoring that's played on the video so loud that it actually rattles the walls? No.
I changed details about the whole snoring video thinger to make a point.
What was my point?
You figure it out.
I'm too lazy to take the time.
Besides, I'm not even sure I know what my point was.
It just seemed like a funny story.
Also, I'm now cheating regarding how I'm writing this novel novel.
Several days ago, my son had read outloud what I had so far (before the Snoreless Video installment), and I heard him struggling thru the text.
This was because my sentence constructions were fucked up.
So now I'm writing the segments using a pen and paper first.
So much for my creative genius novel-writing innovation.
But that's what it's like being a creative genius.
Trial and error.
...
I told him I was writing another book.
The lad had sat down next to me while he was eating a dish of pasta and asked to see what I had written so far.
And because he was busing forking the noodles into his mouth he asked me to read it to him but I declined.
I told him that I was way too familar with what I was trying to express and that if I read the thing for him I would know exactly when to pause and where to place the emphasis and whatnot.
In other words, I didn't want to influence his reading comprehension by "performing" the text outloud myself.
Anyway, the good news is that, despite my screwed up sentences, he was laughing outloud in several places so I knew that I had written something that at least one other person besides myself could appreciate.
He even laughed at the first line:
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
I thought that it was an inside joke that only other writers would find amusing, but it wasn't.
He understood the mockery fully.
...
How much of what I've just disclosed is actually true?
You'll never know.
It could all be a complete fabrication to make a point.
So anyway, as the former narrator of this novel it's my (unsalaried) duty to inform you that the writer and I have decided to dispense with the whole writer/narrator bullshit relationship and just get on with the story.
At least for now.
...
Obligatory Notice:
Those readers who cannot appreciate the subtle complex humor of all of this narrator/writer bullshit have long since stopped reading.
They were only here for the sex scenes and we wanted to bore those people out of their fucking minds before we got to the real juicy sexy stuff!
Yay!
...
Also ahead:
* The Day One Video Fiasco
* The Limits of Life Poster
* The Art Clock
* The Birdsong Orchestra
* The Story Of The Thread
* Fun With Unicornian Mathematics
* The Global Suggestion Box T-shirt Business
* Etc.
*
*
* This Book Will Convince You To...
*
* The Writer Who Rarely Read Books
*
Etc. etc.
...
Oh, and my curtains? They work just fine.
But they're not "real" curtains.
Years ago, after yet another failed business project, I had to move yet again in a hurry and found myself unable to find where I had packed all of my venetian blinds (assuming I had packed them at all).
So when I found new digs, I tacked up a blanket on my bedroom window using several of those colored push pins you can buy in bulk at Sam's Club.
It's not very aesthetically pleasing but it does effectively block out the blaring sunlight whenever I find myself sleeping during the daytime.
Which brings us back to the novel:
...
It was NOT a dark and stormy night. It was a cold and bright winter morning which soon turned into a dark and stormy night while our hero dreamt of summer, rattling the walls with his obnoxious snoring.
Getting up at 7:00 PM can be a bit disorienting, especially in the winter (when it gets dark at 5:00 PM), but after you do it a few hundred times it's a piece of cake.
Speaking of a piece of cake, that's precisely what our hero was dreaming about at around 3:00 PM.
...
...
...
There are many different ways that you can write a novel.
For instance, some novelists are structure freaks, others are gist-embracers, while still others are imagery painters.
Mind you, I'm totally guessing about all of this.
I haven't read too many novels in my life.
Maybe a dozen or so, tops.
And I've never done any research into the novel-writing thinger.
At least not on purpose, anyway.
And no, this is not a cheesy attempt to lower your expectations.
Did I spell cheesey wrong?
Anyway, for all you know, I might have written fifty best-selling novels and I might have studied English at University and recieved a doctorate degree (or better).
The point is... a novel is about words.
That much I do know.
I might have studied English at University and recieved a doctorate degree (or better).
Oops.
Make that "received".
"I" before "E" except after "C".
I learned that in grade school or some such.
The point is... a novel is about words. That much I do know.
Oops.
Actually, a novel is about characters and conflicts and whatnot.
Oh well, I guess I know alot less than I thought I did.
But I do know about characters and conflicts and words and whatnot, so maybe I actually know way more than I thought I did.
Well, since I have no more to say on that subject at this point, I'm going to wrap up this latest section right here.
If it wasn't sufficiently boring for you, I'll see if I can manage better next time.
I mean, why should I be the only one here who has watched themselves snore?
I mean, why should I be the only one here who has watched themselves snore?
LOL!
And no, you spelled cheesy right...the first time.
But I still messed up "a lot".
That's your trademark. ;-)
Tracking the way you spend your time has become far too easy.
July 16, 2008 6:18 AM
High tech poetry.
July 16, 2008 6:52 AM
Gee, it's been almost ten minutes since my last logged thought.
July 16, 2008 6:59 AM
I'm very good at coming up with advertising slogans.
July 16, 2008 7:01 AM
This is too fun.
July 16, 2008 7:02 AM
[...]
I have a shitload of chores to do today.
July 16, 2008 7:32 AM
Wow, I'm really slacking on my book here.
No entries for a whole 20 days in August.
Such is the life of a "creative genius."
So many ideas, so little time.
Oops, make that no entries for a whole 26 days in August.
It's a math thinger.
Has it really been almost four months?
Yikes.
Happy Birthday,Bud!
And here it is, about 16 months later and I haven't gotten back to this thing yet.
Except to note that I haven't.
Oh well.
See ya' next year!
Simplify, dude. Simplify.
I always do.
YesOneCan.com
I don't understand the term twitwalk or how it promotes peace, etc.
Have you seen screenr.com? I don't know if it would interest you, but it seems like something that you could use in some way.
It's about taking a nice healthy and refreshing walk.
Then tweeting about it.
And taking pictures of the beautiful stuff you discover along the way.
Yes one can.
Or not.
Ahh. Shouldn't it be a tweetwalk then? When I read twitwalk, it makes me think of the word twit, meaning a stupid person. You make tweets on twitter not twits on twitter, yes? of course, that totally messes up what you've already started.
The concept, though, that's good. I've just taken out a new lease on life and have started taking walks with a friend of mine. I'll join in on our next walk if I remember. Remembering is half the battle these days.
TweetWalk is better in that regard but it is a whole one letter longer in an environment strictly limited by 140 characters, so...
Also, you may have heard of wildly popular services such as TwitPic, etc.? People seem to get that the twit refers to tweeting. I could be wrong.
In any case, I'm one who firmly believes that we all take ourselves a bit too overly seriously, so Twit fits that bill quite nicely.
Anyway, see also: Twalk.org... which, unfortunately, the Twitter name @twalk was already being used by some marketer named Thomas Walker or some such, so... one settles for what one can do in reality until circumstances change.
Okay, that makes sense. Yes, I've heard of twitpic. Did you check out screenr.com? You can use that with twitter as well.
It's a drawing tool?
I have the Adobe CS3 package.
What can screenr do that I can't do w/ Photoshop, Illustrator, etc.?
No, it's an online screen capture tool. Not for stills, for showing what you're doing on your screen (includes audio). You can use it for tutorials or anything that you want to capture on your monitor. It gives you 5 minutes worth of time, and then creates a movie that you can download to your computer for taking along physically, or you get a URL to where it's stored on their site for use online. It's an awesome tool, and it's free. It works a treat. I've used to show my students how to do things online. It just seemed like something you might find a use for. I don't know. Maybe not.
Add yet another 11 months to the procrastination of this book.
Because procrastination makes perfect!
Heh.
http://i56.tinypic.com/5dm5w6.png
Oops. Forgot to make it a hyperlink:
funsin
I hope it was a good 11 months. Haven't interacted with you in awhile.
It's been the best of times, and the worst of times. A lot has happened. More to come.
How about yourself?
I could say the same. Worst year of my life, bar none. Interspersed with the best moments of my life.
Troubled marriage, existential crisis, financial difficulty, etc.
I've taken up Zen meditation and am finally putting in quality oil painting time. In therapy. Blah, blah, blah.
Just when everything was going great, on a dinner break, I slipped on the ice and spiral fractured my femur bone (OUCH!!! and double ouch), forced surgery revealed new pain-in-the-neck health maintenance issues ($$$), financial roller coaster, more betrayal by the usual "friends" and "family", blah blah blah -- the adventurous life of a struggling creative genius know-it-all continues on and on.
Exciting new project on the immediate horizon, naturally.
OMG! to the fracture and resulting issues! I hope you've healed nicely.
Eh, not really. Cheapy surgery, probably. Anyway, it definitely put the TwitWalk project on hold. Oh boy.
Even the longest journey begins with a stubbed toe. And then a snapped shoestring. And then a fractured femur. And THEN a single step.
With a major limp!
LOL.
Anyway, the newest project is THE best I've ever tangesized, by far.
I was born for this one. Clearly. I have so many qualifications for the job that naysayers are actually a positive.
I'm sorry to hear it hasn't healed well. I hope you'll keep me updated on the new project when it's at a point to share.
Post a Comment